Apparently, there is an Internet subculture that revolves around writing parodic reviews on Amazon.com. I was alerted to this phenomenon by the comments section of this Jezebel post on a nipple extractor (actually a plumbing tool). I don’t know what forum or website people go to to hear about the particular products to mock, or if there are other ones around, but here’s a list of ones I found, with excerpts of the type of review you can find (possibly NSFW):
1. The infamous nipple extractor.
I have been haveing issues with my nipples for years so I figured I would give this product a try. I found that it worked great for a couple of weeks and then it became extremely difficult to continue use. The rash and irratation became too much to tolerate. It is just easier to buy a set of jumper cables and a battery charger. Trust that works much better!
Infinitely superior to Umbrian Whole Milk186 of 188 people found the following review helpful:Chateau du Lait Blanc, watch out!, August 9, 2006
One should not be intimidated by Tuscan Whole Milk. Nor should one prejudge, despite the fact that Tuscan is non-vintage and comes in such large containers. Do not be fooled: this is not a jug milk. I always find it important to taste milk using high-quality stemware — this is milk deserving of something better than a Flintstones plastic tumbler. One should pour just a small dollop and swirl it in the glass — note the coating and look for clots or discoloration. And the color — it should be opaque, and very, very white. Now, immerse your nose in the glass and take a whiff. Tuscan transports you instantly to scenic hill towns in central Italy (is that Montepulciano I detect?) — there is the loamy clay, the green grass of summer days, the towering cypress. And those gentle hints of Italian flowers — wild orchids, sunflowers, poppies. Then, one takes in the thick liquid and lets it roll across and under the tongue — what is that? perhaps a hint of a nutty Edam cheese? With Tuscan, you feel the love of every dairyperson involved — from the somewhat sad and deranged farmhand shovelling steaming cowpies to the bored union milk maiden dreaming of leaving this soul crushing life behind for a job waiting tables for obnoxious American tourists in Siena. But not too fast — sip gently, slowly, or one is in danger of not only missing the subtleties of the milk’s texture and its terroir, but — if chilled too long — also of giving oneself a blinding ice cream headache. Nay, savor the goodness that only dairymen and dairywomen working at the apex of their craft can deliver. Tuscan is best drunk young — no, no, don’t cellar this gem — I guarantee you’ll be sorry if you do. I recommend pairing with freshly baked macadamia nut scones. Milk Expectorator gives this one a 92.
Another, just for shits and giggles (and a not-insubstantial ick factor):13 of 16 people found the following review helpful:As a hole milk, this leaves much to be desired., November 3, 2008
I have never tried hole milk before, so I don’t know if Tuscan Hole Milk is simply a sub-standard product, or if the entire concept of hole milk is flawed. My first problem was that this product included no directions. I had no idea what hole to put the milk in. Further, what effect is hole milk supposed to have?
I decided to put the Tuscan milk into both of my holes. The first problem is that the container is poorly designed for getting the milk into a hole. I would suggest some kind of tapered top for insertion. I wasted quite a bit of the hole milk trying to pour it in, and it made a huge mess in the bathroom. I finally ended up lying down in the tub and tipping the bottle at a 45 degree angle.
This brings me to the next problem, which is that the milk does not stay in the holes if you move from a horizontal position. Without instructions, I am left wondering if this is supposed to happen, or if my particular container of Tuscan Hole Milk is damaged.
Another reviewer suggested adding the Tuscan Hole Milk to dry cereal. This seems like a good idea, because the cereal would absorb the milk and probably help it to stay in the holes. My only question is if I should put the cereal in my holes before or after the milk, or rather put them together in a bowl and then scoop the mixture in.
I haven’t noticed any positive changes since I’ve been using Tuscan Hole Milk, and I’m starting to smell kind of funny. Therefore, until the Tuscan company has clearer packaging with instructions and usage suggestions, I won’t buy this product again.
Worked fine with my right hand, but when I came to use my left hand my writing came out looking like the work of a complete imbecile. I can only assume Bic have created a right-handed only pen, and would caution left-handers to “try before you buy”.
Excerpt(s):His music is melting the glaciers!, July 11, 2006
As an experienced jousting judge, it’s very important for me to discern the length of one’s lance and the style with which they wield it. How is it shaped? Does it curve to the left or right at all? What about girth? It is this same keen judgment that I use to evaluate this compilation CD from David Hyperhonkkpf.
O what magnificent aplomb he rides the surging waves of melody! O how regal he thrusts his glistening chest out, elbows shot back! O what godawful, unholy crow-fighting-a-cat-shrieking he wails from that cavernous gullet of a mouth! Leaves wither. Clouds evaporate. Items for sale at 50% at Hecht’s are now only 30% off.
The “songs” he “sings” leave us literally breathless, panting on our living room floors, gasping desperately for air as we hear the “music” fade to sweet, sweet silence. We are now ready for Track 2.
The song “Hot Shot City” is particularly good.
And another:A full-scale emotional assault on the loins and eardrums, July 12, 2004
Can you feel the rumbling of the seat? That’s the bass booming from the speakers as you play David Pappersmear’s perfect album, “Looking For.” That THUMP THUMP you feel in your chest is your heart breaking to the plaintive sweeping tones of “Crazy For You.” And the mild pressure at the base of your spine? That just means you have to take a number two.Such bodily reaction to a CD released almost a decade ago is a testament to David Gallerprass’s message of love. He affects almost every bodily function with his smooth ballads. This is probably a side effect rather than the main point, for in a 1994 interview, David said, “I want my music to cross cultures, to send a message of peace and to incite social change. If it makes someone take a big number two in their overalls, that’s just a bonus.”
The mere fact that a CD can not only unite people with its hopeful lyrics but actually cause gastric events is astounding in both the arts and science. This album straddles the line between art and medicine, bouncing as it straddles, causing the line to cause discomfort.
The song Hot Shot City is particularly good.
Particularly deep or meaningful? Hardly. But a smashingly good way to spend an hour or five laughing one’s arse off. So, in my humble opinion, you break even.